Darkest Moments
by Cheshire6845
Summary: J/C angst.
1. Chapter 1

Disclaimer: Disclaimer: All publicly recognizable characters, settings, etc. are the property of Paramount and TPTB. The plot is the property of the author. The author is in no way associated with the owners, creators, or producers of any media franchise. No copyright infringement is intended. Rated PG.

Thank you Cori and Moof for being wonderful betas!!

Darkest Moments

"Captain, please report to sickbay." The Doctor's call jarred Janeway out of her thoughts as she sat studying a PADD in her ready room.

"On my way," she answered as she moved towards the turbolift. She checked the chronometer and realized she'd been off duty officially for about four hours. She'd been neck deep in reports that needed to be completed and had lost track of time.

She really expected to have been done with the reports by now with Chakotay's help, but he hadn't looked well on the bridge today. When he told her he hadn't slept well, she'd insisted he go to his quarters and get some rest. He hadn't argued with her which convinced her even more that he was sick. She was going to check on him when she left the bridge, but now that would have to wait.

She arrived on the deck for sickbay and could see the Doctor waiting outside the doors as soon as she turned the corner. Now she was very concerned. "Doctor, report."

"It started about half an hour ago," he said and blocked her entrance to sickbay. "Security was called and he was beamed straight here."

"Doctor, what are you talking about and why are we discussing this in the corridor?" She asked pointedly.

Before he could answer, a strangled yell could be heard coming from inside sickbay. The yell morphed into the agonizing sound of someone crying. She immediately recognized the voice as belonging to Chakotay. "Doctor, get out of my way!"

"That's what I was trying to explain. I'm not sure how he's going to react to seeing you," he said grabbing her by the shoulders to prevent her entry. "He thinks you're dead."

Janeway followed the Doctor into sickbay attempting to stay out of sight and still manage to catch a glimpse of her first officer while the Doctor continued to explain the situation.

"Security got a call thirty minutes ago with reports of yelling and what sounded like furniture breaking coming from the Commander's quarters. No other life signs were present and the Commander was not answering hails. They entered his quarters to find them destroyed and the Commander yelling incoherently," the Doctor paused. "They had him beamed directly here and I've erected a force field around the area. He won't let anyone get close to him and the airborne sedative I administered into the area had no effect on him."

"Why wasn't I called earlier? And what makes you think he believes I'm dead?" She whispered in a hiss. So far she still hadn't managed a single glimpse of Chakotay but she could see Tom keeping watch on the far corner of the biobed area.

"I called you as soon as I determined he was stable. Well, physically stable anyway," the Doctor explained glancing over his shoulder. "As for your death, we've been able to piece that together from what little he has said that we can understand. He's seeing and interacting in some sort of delusion. And we can only see the Commander's side of things. These episodes have so far focused on an event that caused your death. He believes the circumstance of your death to be his fault."

Janeway nodded. "Alright, well now what? You called me down here. And he seems calm for the moment."

"For the moment, I don't know what's wrong with him as I haven't been able to get close enough to properly scan him. If he remains calm I may be able to administer a sedative to him more directly with better results." The Doctor ushered her into his office. "However, if he becomes agitated again I want to let him see that you are here and unharmed."

The Doctor left her in the office while he walked through the force field entering the area where Chakotay was quietly crying. He was scrunched down on his haunches staring at the floor. Tom tensed as the Doctor moved closer. Chakotay's eyes flickered up at the Doctor's approach and sprang to his feet.

"Nooo!! She's dead already. I won't let you take her!" He yelled at the holographic Doctor. "I couldn't save her, but I won't let you take her from me."

The Doctor held up his hands palms out, "Please calm yourself Commander, I only want to help."

Chakotay seemed to ignite at his words, "It's all my fault. I let her die. I was supposed to protect her and I didn't!"

Tom reflexively leaned back as Chakotay came close to him and continued yelling, "I killed her. Her blood is on my hands! Spirits, Kathryn!!"

The Doctor sighed and signaled for Janeway to come out. She walked out of the office and stood close to the forcefield. "I'm here, Chakotay."

The man on the other side of the forcefield spun around so fast at the sound of her voice he almost fell over. "Kathryn? No, it can't be!"

"I'm here. I'm fine. I'm not dead." She said in her most soothing voice. Her heart ached at the hurt on his face. She had seen him like this once before and had hoped she'd never have to see it again.

He came so close to the forcefield it sent blue sparks towards his face, but he didn't seem to notice. "My father said you died."

She swallowed, "No. I didn't. I'm right here."

He gave her a small smile and he seemed to calm. The Doctor pressed the sedative to his neck. He whirled at the hiss of the hypospray but managed to stay on his feet. His gaze flicked over Kathryn and then landed on Tom. His entire demeanor seemed to crumple at the sight of Tom.

"I never meant for it to happen, Tom! I tried to keep her safe," he sobbed and leaned against the bulkhead.

Tom glanced over at the Captain confused, "It's alright Commander. I know you would keep her safe."

"Doctor, why isn't it working?" Janeway asked clinching her hands in frustration.

"I think it is," the Doctor commented watching as the Commander slid down the bulkhead. "Just slowly."

"Tom will never forgive me. I don't blame him. I'd hate me too. It should've been me," Chakotay continued to talk. He wasn't yelling anymore but the heartbreak in his voice was still evident. "I should've died. She should never have followed me. It's all my fault."

Janeway lowered herself to the floor so that she would be eye level with Chakotay, "I'm still here. You kept me safe. I'm fine."

His eyes flickered up at the sound of her voice, "I'm so sorry, Kathryn. It's all my fault she's dead. I didn't save her."

"Everyone is fine, Chakotay. No one has died. It's not your fault." Janeway spoke softly to him trying to keep him focused on her.

"How can you say that?" He asked his eyes almost closed. "First I let you die and now I've gotten B'Elanna killed."

"Chakotay listen to me. I am not dead. B'Elanna is not dead." She reiterated.

"It should've been me," he said quietly before slumping over unconscious.

The Doctor immediately moved in scanning the man on the floor. Janeway got to her feet wiping her hand across her cheek very quickly. "Doctor, report."

The Doctor lowered the forcefield and Tom quickly rushed to his side and together they managed to get the Commander on the biobed. "He's fine for now. He's just heavily sedated."

"Doctor, he is anything but fine," Janeway countered.

The Doctor sighed continuing to work, "I'm sorry, Captain, a poor choice of words. I will let you know as soon as I know something."

Janeway nodded and retreated to the Doctor's office. She tapped her comm. badge, "Janeway to Lt Torres."

"Torres here."

"Meet me in the Commander's quarters, Lt. We've got some work to do." She gave the three men one last look before she exited sickbay. She would search every inch of this ship to find out what had caused this condition in her first officer. If it was some sort of radiation poisoning, chronoton flux, or some malign alien intruder she would do everything within her power to bring this event to a close.

The Doctor entered his office to see the Captain asleep at his desk with the terminal scrolling information. She'd been at it for over twenty hours. He knew because he had been at it for over twenty hours. He had researched and tested the Commander while she had researched and scanned the entire ship, and neither of them had come up with anything. They were still no closer to finding a cause for the Commander's condition, and it was deteriorating. The sedative that should've kept him unconscious for a week was already wearing off. All of the Commander's scans indicated increased levels in his body of all of his functions. The Doctor really didn't want to wake the Captain, but he didn't want to face her if she woke up on her own either. He sighed and shook her shoulder.

She sat up with a start bumping her knees on the under side of the desk. "Doctor, report."

"It's not good." He turned the screen around so he could access it and add in the new information he had gathered. "I can't say I've made any progress."

"I haven't found anything either." She scrubbed at her face with the heels of her hands. "You woke me, what's changed?"

"He's starting to regain consciousness, Captain, but his condition isn't improving." He pointed out some readings on the screen to her. "His metabolism rate, blood pressure, and heart rate have all increased. I can't even sedate him anymore."

Chakotay started moaning and they could see his head turning from side to side. The Captain was out of the office heading for his side before the Doctor could turn off the screen they had been looking at.

"Chakotay, can you hear me?" She spoke softly grimacing at the restraining field holding him to the bed knowing it was a necessary evil.

His eyes snapped open and turned towards her. His dark eyes were bright with fever and his tears joined the sweat rolling down his face. "Kathryn? I'm so sorry I let you die. I loved you. I never meant for anything to happen to you."

"Shhh. It's okay. I'm right here." She smoothed his hair back from his forehead and wiped the sweat from his brow. "I'm fine. You saved me."

He looked past her and then turned his head to the side, "He told me I killed you. It was my fault. It should've been me."

She put two fingers under his chin and turned him to face her, "Chakotay, who told you that?"

"My father," he said then frowned at her. "Kathryn?"

"Yes, it's me. I'm right here." She thought she could tell a change in his eyes. "Doctor?"

"Keep him talking, it seems to be helping," the Doctor said from the console behind her.

"Chakotay, do you know where you are?" She asked him getting his attention again. He looked around and tried to move but the restraining field held him in place. She put her hands on his face trying to prevent the rising panic she could see on his features. "Chakotay, listen to me. Listen to my voice. Do you know who I am?"

He calmed as he gazed at her face. His eyes began to close as he answered, "Kathryn."

His breathing evened out and she looked to the Doctor worried about this sudden change.

"It's okay, Captain. He's just sleeping," the Doctor told her moving to her side and checking the diagnostic panel on the bed. "I believe we may have just turned a corner in his condition."

"What changed, Doctor? One minute, he's incoherent and raving, and the next he falls asleep." She paced away from the bed. "What is his condition? How did he get this way? What's causing it?"

"I don't have the answers yet, Captain. I'll continue to analyze all the readings I've taken from him. Until he is able to tell us what he was experiencing, I may not have any answers," he replied calmly to her questioning. "For the moment, his condition appears to have stabilized. Perhaps, it was the sound of your voice that broke the spell, Captain."

"I don't believe in fairy tales, Doctor," she said curtly. "I want answers. I'll be on the bridge."

"Now that he's resting, you should get some sleep as well," he commented stopping her from leaving.

"I'm fine."

"Captain, a thirty minute nap at my desk is not what I'd consider a healthy night's sleep. Finish what you need to, but after that I want you off duty for a full ten hours."

"Doctor, I really don't have time for this."

"I can always make it twenty four hours," he replied and then added at her look of incredulity. "And I can make sure Tuvok is aware of my recommendation."

She leveled her best glare at him, "Alright, I will get some sleep as soon as I check with the bridge."

He waited for the doors to completely close behind her before he allowed himself a smile of triumph.

Four hours later, Janeway finally managed to make it to her quarters. If she wasn't so tired, she'd smile at the indignation of the Doctor when he had called. She really hadn't intended to stay on the bridge that long, but one thing after another kept being brought to her attention. She stopped just inside her bedroom and considered just flopping onto the bed uniform and all. She had a headache the size of Voyager, and she couldn't seem to get warm. A bath would really solve that second problem, but she was afraid of her death certificate reading 'drowned in bathtub'. She settled for a sonic shower and curling into her blankets. She checked with the Doctor one more time on Chakotay's condition and only when she was told that he was sleeping soundly did she put her head on her pillow. The events of the day were quickly catching up to her and she closed her eyes.

She heard thunder and her eyes snapped open. She leaned up just enough to be able to see out the window. She watched as a bolt of lightning hit the tree in her grandfather's yard; splitting it. She gasped and almost choked on the rain that was falling on her face. She looked around; it was pitch dark and raining. She was lost, cold, and wet. She shivered and wanted to wrap her arms around herself, but she knew she couldn't. Kathryn could feel her fingers slipping against the rock wall she was desperately clinging to and with one twitch of her hands; she would be swept away with the current. Her hands slipped and she watched in horror as the underwater cave wall became a cell wall. The door banged open and a Cardassian walked in leering at her. She gasped as she looked up and saw the condition of her bridge. There was smoke and sparks, and she knew Cavit was dead before she ever touched him. She reached over to check for a pulse and saw Chakotay's tattoo instead of Cavit's grey hair. She pulled her hand back as if she'd been burned. Her hand was covered in Tuvok's green blood. Kathryn looked up to see a Hirogen slam Chakotay against the bulkhead. She turned to join the fray but tripped and fell to the deck next to two bodies. The bodies were badly burned, but she could see the gold wedding bands on the hands that were clenched together in death. She propelled herself away from the sight, backing herself against the wall. She felt a hand on her shoulder. Kathryn looked up to see Chakotay. His face was half covered with Borg implants. She yelled as he pressed assimilation tubules into her neck.

Kathryn sat straight up in bed gasping for air. She rubbed at her neck and she realized she wasn't under imminent attack and fell back against her pillow. It had just been a nightmare. She stared at the ceiling trying to rationalize her subconscious. She'd been worried about death all day, it was no wonder her dreams would reflect that. She rubbed her hand across her eyes. Of course her nightmare had included Chakotay. She'd been worried about him most of the day. Seeing the rest of the crew in her dreams really wasn't that uncommon either. She'd had nightmares before about the death of her crew. It didn't mean anything.

She sat up and saw the condition of her bed reflected how bad her dreams had been. Her feet were tangled up in the sheet and she had kicked her blankets and pillows to the floor. She shivered and realized the oversize shirt she was wearing was soaked through with sweat. She just shook her head and headed for the sonic shower. That had been the worst her dreams had been in a long time, but she really didn't have time to worry about that now. She wanted to check in with sickbay for an update before she went to the bridge.

Chakotay managed to wake for a few minutes while Janeway had been in sickbay. When he looked at her, his eyes looked much clearer but they closed after just a moment. "Doctor, please tell me you've found something. Why is he still this out of it?"

"I haven't found much, but I'm not concerned with his fatigue. The events he experienced were very traumatic." The Doctor guided her over to a panel. "I have found this. The green scan is of the Commander's memory center from six months ago. The red scan was taken while he was hallucinating and the blue scan is current. You can see a difference in the blue and green scans that would represent a normal increase in memories, but the red scan is something entirely different.

"The red scan shows tremendous spikes and frequency for the memories that were being created at the time. He may have been consciously experiencing one single event, but his mind had multiple areas active at one time. This explains why when he saw you his mind immediately switched to a situation that had the death of B'Elanna. Subconsciously, he was dealing with multiple situations at a time. If the hallucination we watched him experience was any indication, the multiple scenarios were all unpleasant. This would have caused extreme amounts of stress on his body."

"But we still don't know what caused it?" Janeway asked marveling at the difference in the scans.

"No, and now with his current scans reading normal, I may never have the information necessary to determine what precipitated this event." He sighed. "I will continue to work on it, and when he wakes I may be able to get more information from him."

Janeway nodded at his efforts and stifled a yawn, "Keep me informed, Doctor."

He had already noticed the dark circles under her eyes and he frowned at her, "Captain…"

She cut him off with a hand gesture, "I followed your orders, Doctor. I just didn't sleep well last night, that's all. I'm fine."

"Of course you are," he said to her back as she left out of sickbay. "Does anyone on this ship ever admit to being tired?"

Janeway knew she was tired, but this was getting ridiculous. She thought for sure the lights on the bridge had dimmed several times, but as soon as she raised her head to say something the illumination returned to normal levels. She glanced around, but no one else seemed to have noticed. She was also becoming increasingly warm which made her wonder about the environmental controls. She could feel sweat beading in the fine hairs at the base of her skull and threatening to roll down her neck. Again, no one else seemed uncomfortable and surely Tom would have said something by now if he was in the least bit distracted by it.

She pinched the bridge of her nose and went back to reading the report from engineering. She caught a faint smell of ozone and smoke and raised her head again to look around. Nothing was on fire and there wasn't any exposed circuitry. The smoke smell was getting heavier though. "Does anyone else smell smoke?"

Tom turned in his chair taking a whiff of the air and shook his head, "I don't smell anything unusual, Captain."

She looked up to Harry's station but he just shook his head, "Environmental systems and the air filtration systems are all functioning normal, Captain."

"Guess, it's just me." She stood up resisting the urge to roll her shoulders. "Tuvok, you have the bridge. I'll be in my ready room if you need me."

She took another look around and didn't notice anything out of the ordinary. She just shook her head and decided she was tired.

Several hours later the Doctor's hail broke the silence that had descended on the bridge, "Doctor to the bridge."

"Tuvok here, Doctor. Go ahead."

"The Commander is regaining consciousness and per instruction I am attempting to let the Captain know, but she is not answering hails."

Tuvok raised an eyebrow and glanced towards the ready room doors, "She is in her ready room, Doctor. I will relay the message."

"Thank you."

Tuvok crossed to her door only to find it locked. He rang for entrance and the entire bridge staff could hear a crash from inside the ready room. "Computer, security override, Tuvok pi alpha four seven."

The doors slid open and Tuvok was pushed aside as the petite form of the Captain barreled past him. She was moving so quickly he wasn't able to stop her. She came to a halt when she reached the middle of the bridge and stared down at the steps leading to the helm.

Her hair was disheveled as though she had been running her hands through it, and it was wet from sweat and slicked down where she had tucked it behind her ears. Her face was pale, but her eyes were bright as though with fever. Her hand shook as she reached for the guardrail, and her breathing was coming in gasps.

Tom immediately crossed to the guard rail where she stood as Tuvok made his way to stand behind her. "Captain?"

Her gaze had remained fixed on the steps until Tom spoke. Her head snapped around to face him and Tom could see beads of perspiration on her nose and forehead. "What's wrong, Captain?"

She blinked when he spoke again and then she spoke quietly, "Tom. You're alive?"

She looked back to the steps and then quickly let go of the rail as though it had burned her hand. She stumbled backwards inadvertently running into Tuvok. She turned quickly and looked up at her old friend. She gasped and stepped back as Tuvok reached out to her.

Tuvok was able to pinch the bundle of nerves at her collarbone as she began to scream. The strangled cry from her throat quickly tapered off, and she slumped into Tuvok's arms. He shifted so that he could carry her comfortably. "Mr. Paris, please alert the Doctor that I am bringing the Captain to sickbay."


	2. Chapter 2

Disclaimer see Ch. 1

The Doctor met Tuvok at the door of sickbay and began scanning the Captain with a tricorder. "Set her down over here."

Tuvok placed the Captain on the indicated bed and stood back so the Doctor could work. He noticed the Commander on the lone biodbed and walked to his side. The Commander had only woken up a few minutes ago but the Doctor had told him he had another patient coming in. "Tuvok?"

"Commander." He glanced at the biobed readings that indicated the Commander's vital signs. Satisfied that they were stable he asked, "What do you remember about what happened to you?"

Chakotay frowned, "Where's the Captain?"

"She began showing symptoms similar to your ailment. The Doctor is treating her now." Tuvok gestured to where the Doctor was working.

"What?" Chakotay immediately tried to sit up finding himself restrained by Tuvok's hand.

"The Doctor does not require our assistance at this time; however, anything you may remember could help with his diagnosis," Tuvok explained.

Chakotay tried again to see past Tuvok and the Doctor, but he could only see her boots. He knew Tuvok was right. Despite every fiber of his being telling him to go to her; he laid back down. "It felt like I was in a nightmare and I couldn't wake up. My father was there and he kept telling me it was my fault."

"What did he say was your fault?"

Chakotay swallowed, he didn't want to remember the images he had seen. "Kath…Captain Janeway was dead. Then B'Elanna was dead, and Tom was there telling me it was my fault. Then I'd see Tom and he would be dead, and B'Elanna would be yelling at me. My sisters were yelling at me that I had let our mother die."

"When do you first remember this happening?" Tuvok asked when Chakotay didn't continue.

Chakotay shook his head slightly as if to rid himself of the memories, "I was on a vision quest talking to my father, and then suddenly I was back in my quarters. I've never had a vision quest suddenly break that way before, but I didn't think about it too much. I had a lot of nightmares that night. The nightmares all seemed to focus on past events. A Cardassian prison cell. The Kazon ship. Revisiting my village after it had been razed. A lot of memories I haven't dealt with in quite some time.

"Then I was on duty, and I felt like someone was watching me. It was as if someone was just outside my range of vision. As the day wore on it got worse. For instance, the Captain spoke to me and I could've sworn I heard Seska's voice. The turbolift doors opened and I thought I heard a cell door slamming shut. I remember going to my quarters, but when the doors opened the lights didn't turn on."

When Chakotay stopped speaking, Tuvok gave him a minute before prodding him. "What did you see, Commander?"

Chakotay swallowed thickly, "Kathryn's body was on the floor by the viewport. Her uniform was ripped and torn in places. The side of her face was bloodied. I couldn't get her to respond to me. She just lay limp in my arms. My father was there, and he told me I had failed her. He said I let her die. Then I looked down and she was gone, but the blood was still on my hands. After that, it's all bits and pieces. I remember seeing the Doctor and being here in sickbay. Then I saw her again, and she told me she was fine."

"Do you remember anything else, Commander?"

Chakotay didn't answer before a low keening wail filled sickbay. He shot off the bed towards Kathryn before Tuvok could prevent him. The Doctor caught him by the shoulders before he could get to her side. She was struggling under a restraining field with her eyes tightly closed, but she continued to cry out.

"Doctor, let me go!"

"I can't let you touch her." The Doctor continued to restrain him easily. "I believe direct contact is how the transfer takes place."

"What are you talking about?" Chakotay stopped his struggling. He could barely stay on his feet much less fight his way past a Vulcan and a hologram. "What's wrong with her?"

"When I saw the readings on the tricorder I realized I've seen something like this before. They're close to the readings we saw on the planet four years ago when an alien entity invaded her cerebral cortex."

Chakotay felt his blood freeze, "Doctor, she almost died from that. Do you mean it's the same entity? That planet is over thirty thousand light years from here."

The Doctor released him, "I didn't say it was the same entity, but the readings are similar. There is another presence in her mind and its impeding my treatment of her."

"Doctor, I was under the impression she was suffering from the same thing that afflicted the Commander," Tuvok spoke up.

"I believe she is," he explained and moved the two men over to look at the readings on the wall console. "These are the Commander's scans while he was having a delusion. These are the Captain's current scans. The patterns are similar. The Commander's scans reverted to his norm directly after the last visit with the Captain. I believe the entity was attacking him, but at some point during her visit she made contact with the Commander and I believe the entity jumped to her."

"Doctor, why didn't we know this before the Captain touched the Commander?"

"I was never able to get a reading of the Commander with the tricorder. He was too agitated when he came in, and when we finally got him calmed down; we had him on the biobed which is able to complete much more in depth scans," the Doctor answered. "When we dealt with this entity before, I only ever used the tricorder on the planet. It's as if the biobed readings were looking too closely and the entity was able to mask itself in the readings. With the tricorder, the readings were of a more general nature and the entity's life signs showed up."

"You couldn't see the forest because of the trees," Chakotay commented.

"Precisely, Commander."

Janeway moaned and all three men turned towards the sound. The restraining field sparked as she struggled against it.

"Doctor, if you know what's causing this why aren't you treating her?" Chakotay asked through clenched teeth.

"I tried everything that worked last time and she had no response. The cortical stimulator, cordrazine, and direct synaptic stimulation all failed to produce any results. I have her sedated right now, but like you her metabolism is burning through the sedative at an accelerated rate."

Chakotay watched as Janeway's face contorted against unseen enemies and her shoulders bucked forward, "This is her sedated?"

"Yes, fortunately Tuvok's fast actions at immobilizing her saved her and us from a display of her hallucinations."

Chakotay turned and stared at Tuvok who returned the gaze without offering an explanation. Chakotay moved to the side of the bed acknowledging the Doctor's warning to not get too close. "Kathryn?"

When there was no reaction forthcoming the Doctor broke the silence, "Commander, I'm releasing you to your quarters and I expect you to get some rest. There is nothing you can do here right now, and I don't need the two of you hovering around here while I try to get to the bottom of this." He moved towards his office. "However, I would appreciate if Mr. Paris could be sent down so that I won't have any unnecessary interruptions."

Tuvok nodded and tapped his comm. badge. When he finished speaking with Paris he turned back to the Doctor, "I will return to the bridge. Commander."

Chakotay glanced up in time to see the Vulcan's departure. He didn't want to leave her side, but he knew the Doctor was right. He could still feel how weak his own body was and he'd only be in the way here. He wanted so badly to smooth the hair that had fallen across her face. "Doctor, you will inform me immediately of any changes."

"Of course, Commander," the Doctor nodded.

"Fight it, Kathryn," Chakotay said quietly looking down at her once more before forcing himself to return to his quarters. He knew what he had seen and felt in his delusions. He worried what Kathryn was now facing in her mind, and how long would she fight her own demons.

Janeway found herself facedown underneath a guardrail on the deck of the bridge. She lifted her head towards the viewscreen and saw an unimpeded view of the stars. She gasped as she realized the only thing between herself and the coldness of space was a forcefield. She looked down as she pushed herself up, and her gaze fell on Paris.

Tom was laying face down on the steps leading away from the helm. The entire left side of his body was a smoldering bloody mess. She gagged when the smell hit her, and she realized he must've been trying to get away from the console when it exploded. It was evident he had dragged himself with his last breaths towards the engineering side of the bridge. Janeway bit her lip and closed her eyes not wanting to look at what she knew she would see. She swallowed blinking back tears and turned to find the body of B'Elanna right where she knew it would be.

B'Elanna was lying on her side staring at Janeway with unseeing eyes. Her head rested on an outstretched arm that was only inches away from Tom's hand. Janeway choked back a sob, and used the guard rail to pull herself to her feet. She stifled a cry of pain ignoring her own injuries and looked around the bridge. Consoles were still sparking and smoke filled her lungs. She could see no one besides herself, but she thought she could hear someone on the upper deck trying to move around. After a fit of coughing she called out, "Tuvok? Harry?"

"Cap…tain?" she heard a very weak cry coming from behind the tactical station. She took a step towards the sound and collapsed to the deck. She inadvertently cried out and clutched at what felt like a broken leg. The cries continued, "Please…help…me, Captain."

"I'm coming!" She cried out. "Just hold on."

She began to crawl as best she could towards the sound. Her eyes watered as she dragged herself along and up the steps. Her crewman had stopped calling out. She pulled herself around the console and stared in horror.

She was looking at the stone wall of a cell she would never forget. She reared back quickly only to find a stone wall at her back. She jumped to her feet forgetting that her leg had been broken moments earlier. The room began to spin and she put a hand to her head feeling sticky blood at her temple and in her hair. She screwed her eyes shut tight trying to calm herself. She began to hear screaming and her eyes snapped open, "This can't be happening."

She put a shaking hand out to the wall to brace herself. She took a step towards the door, but before she could reach out for it, the door burst open. She watched in horror as three Cardassians stepped into the cell with her. They all leered at her, and she backpedaled away from them. The closest one reached out and grabbed her by the arm pulling her close to him. She reacted immediately and threw a knee into his groin. He grunted and smashed her to the floor with a punch to the head.

Janeway coughed and could taste blood in her mouth. She opened her eyes and found herself staring at blood spattered snow. She could feel it on her face now clumping her eyelashes together and sticking to her lips. She pushed herself up groaning at the pain the movement caused her body. It only took a moment for her eyes to sweep the icy tundra and locate the shuttle sinking under the ice. "Nooo!!!"

"It's a bit late for that, Katie."

Janeway was shocked to see a man standing beside her. She could only see his profile, but he looked just as she remembered him.

"Justin?"

Chakotay was in the process of putting his shoes on when the chime for his door sounded. "Come in."

Tuvok stepped through the sliding doors into Chakotay's quarters. This had happened so rarely that Chakotay's blood immediately went cold. He had been asleep for over twelve hours and the Doctor had assured him that he would let him know if anything had changed, but he still worried. "Tuvok? Has there been a change with the Captain?"

"Regrettably, her condition continues to deteriorate," he spoke standing still. "The Doctor has made no progress towards a solution."

Chakotay nodded and stood, "Do you have a suggestion?"

"Yes, but it could be dangerous to the participants."

"A mind meld?"

"No. Although I would willingly give my life for the Captain's, I believe a mind meld would do nothing more than cause the insanity and death of us both."

"Then what do you propose?" Chakotay asked.

"A bridging of minds between you and the Captain. I would act as your conduit to her, and you would be able to enter her delusion without exposing yourself to direct contact," he explained.

"Would I be able to talk to her? Would she know I was there?"

"Unknown."

"What about you? How is this bridge less dangerous than a mind meld?"

"I would have you as a grounding force, and my contact would be directed more through you. Your mind and actions would serve not only as a boon to her psyche, but also as a shield to me," he said. "The Doctor will not be pleased with this proposal as there are still risks involved."

"What are the risks?" Chakotay asked.

"All three of us could become trapped within her mind and become vulnerable to the entity," Tuvok stated calmly.

"What's the likelihood of that happening?"  
"It is one possibility of many outcomes," Tuvok paused. "I have meditated on the situation however and believe the risk is less substantial."

"Less substantial?" Chakotay clarified. "Meaning there's still a definite possibility?"

"Yes."

Chakotay regarded the Vulcan, "Do you think we can save her?"

"Commander, you and I both know that the Captain has a propensity to harbor guilt unnecessarily." Tuvok waited for the nod from Chakotay before continuing. "If the events you experienced are any indication, I believe we will lose the Captain if we do not proceed with this course of action."

There was no need for any other words. That was all the explanation Chakotay could ever need. "Let's do it."

Janeway continued to stare at her long dead fiancée. She could feel the cold of the snow around her and the pain of her broken bones, but she was wearing her Captain's uniform and her short hair was falling forward to brush against her chin. "You're dead."

"Yes, and this is hell," Justin chuckled and turned his blue eyes towards her. She gasped as she could see a gash across his forehead and his complexion had a bluish tint to it. There was frost in his dark tousled hair and across his cheekbones.

"What are you talking about?" She asked trying to ignore the view of the sinking shuttle. "I don't believe in hell."

"Well, that doesn't seem to matter all that much. You're here regardless of what you believe." He squatted down on his haunches and leaned closer to her. "You died and you managed to bring one hundred and fifty other souls with you. That's impressive, but then you always were an overachiever."

He was too close for her comfort, but her body refused to cooperate when she tried to move away. She groaned from the effort and he smiled. She gritted out through clenched teeth, "You aren't Justin."

"Sure I am, Katie." He stood and stretched languidly. "You killed me too. That's why I'm here."

"I didn't kill you," she exhaled.

"I would never have been in that shuttle if it hadn't been for you." He stopped smiling and turned back to her. "You may not have put a phaser to my head, Katie, but you killed me nonetheless."

"No," she said shaking her head. "That's not true."

"Oh really?" There was a blur of motion and Janeway found herself sitting in the Cardassian prison cell. Justin spoke from over her shoulder, "I guess this isn't your fault either then?"

She stood up quickly holding a hand to her bleeding temple and turned to face him, "How is this my fault?"

Justin watched her flinch as screaming began to penetrate the walls of the cell. "That's Owen screaming, isn't it?"

She'd never forget that sound. She swallowed and said tightly, "Yes."

"Seems to me you were piloting the shuttle when the two of you got captured," Justin spoke walking around the small cell. "If you had done a better job, maybe he wouldn't be getting tortured right now."

"That's not what happened. I wasn't piloting," she said following his movements. The screaming intensified and she felt her gut clench. "We would've been captured regardless of who was piloting."

Justin listened for a moment as the screaming trailed off to a sobbing, "Hmmm, I guess Voyager also wasn't your fault?"

Janeway inhaled the thick black smoke that permeated her bridge, and she had to grasp for the railing as her injured leg buckled almost throwing her to the deck. It was eerily quiet without the red alert klaxons blaring. She couldn't see or hear anyone through the dark smoke, "What happened here?"

Justin was again behind her, "You led them into battle. You got them all killed. Pretty simple, Katie."

The smoke thinned and she could see the bodies of her officers lying in contorted positions all over the deck. She gasped and hobbled towards the closest body. The features were unrecognizable until she turned the body. The other side of his face was unmarred and remained young looking. "Oh, Harry. I'm so sorry."

"I'm sure that'll be a great comfort to his parents," Justin said leaning against what was left of the ops console. "He died a horrible painful death, but Kathryn Janeway is sorry about it."

Janeway faced him with fury in her eyes, "Who the hell are you and why are you doing this?"

"You know who I am." He straightened and looked into her eyes. "I'm one of the first people that loved you and died because of it."

Kathryn flinched at his words, "What are you saying?"

"You've caused a lot of people hurt and suffering over the years. I want to help you leave this place, but first you have to acknowledge all the pain and death you've caused." Justin circled her.

A cold breeze blew her hair and Janeway was once again seated in the snow looking at a sinking shuttle. Justin stood behind her, "Your father and I were the first people you killed. The first people to love you and to die because of it."

Kathryn stared out at the ice, a single tear rolling down her cheek. She whispered, "I'm sorry."

"Absolutely not. There will be no more mind melds in this sickbay," the Doctor snapped at Tuvok and Chakotay. "I will not allow a course of treatment that could easily end with all three of you incapacitated or dead."

"And I will not allow the three of us to sit idly by when there is an option available," Chakotay said, trying to maintain his poise, but failing miserably. Seeing Kathryn on the biobed looking more emaciated than the twelve hours he had been away had not helped his composure. "I will not stand by and do nothing while Kathryn Janeway descends into madness and death."

"Nor do I want to," the Doctor said solemnly. "But I will not condone the two of you putting your lives on the line for a chance this slim. The Captain would not want you to sacrifice yourselves for her."

"The Captain is unable to voice her opinion at this time," Tuvok said. "I agree she would not want lives wasted in exchange for her own. Therefore, we need your assistance to ensure we do not die in this attempt."

"Rest assured, Doctor, we will do this with or without your help," Chakotay said quietly. "But without, you are more likely to have two more patients."

The Doctor looked from one to the other and saw the resolve each man had. He had been expecting this when he hadn't found any answers. He didn't like it, but he also knew they were right. He also knew that this may be the only chance they had to save the Captain's life. He nodded his agreement.

"Your minds to my mind. Your thoughts to my thoughts."

Chakotay heard Tuvok's words and closed his eyes on the brightly lit sickbay. He opened them to find himself on Voyager's darkened smoke filled bridge. He'd seen the bridge look this way before during battles, but this time the silence was eerie. He stepped forward only to trip over something on the floor. He knelt down to find a body. He rolled it over and could see a security uniform soaked in green blood. Tuvok had died near his station. Chakotay straightened and looked in the direction of the center chairs. Over the rail he could see movement. He walked down towards the command area. As he reached the bottom of the ramp, he could see two bodies near the front of the bridge. He turned away from them and concentrated on finding Kathryn.

Chakotay moved closer and could make out three people by the Captain's chair. Only two of the three appeared to be alive. One person was seated on the floor while the other was lounging casually in the Captain's seat. Then he heard her crying. He stepped closer and the smoke cleared. He could see her clearly now.

Kathryn was seated on the floor crying. She was rocking slightly and her hair hung forward obscuring her face. There was a body next to her and she was cradling its head in her lap. Chakotay could see the red of his uniform, and knew it was his body she was holding. He tore his gaze away from her to study the man lounging in her chair.

The man had dark hair and was dressed in an older version of a Starfleet uniform with the rank of a lieutenant. The man turned to look at him and Chakotay could see a gash across his forehead. There was ice and frost in the man's hair and across his face. He grinned at Chakotay, but there was nothing but malice in the expression.

"You aren't supposed to be here," he said casually. The man glanced at Janeway, but she didn't seem to hear anything going on around her. "Let me guess, you came for her."

Chakotay nodded and stepped closer to Kathryn, "That's right. Who are you?"

The man ignored his question and leaned down closer to Kathryn's shoulder. "Crying over him isn't going to bring him back, Katie. It didn't help bring me back did it?"

Kathryn choked on a sob but didn't give any other response. The man looked up at Chakotay again.

"You're Justin Tighe," Chakotay said, then corrected himself. "You're something that's supposed to look like Justin Tighe."

"In the flesh," the entity said spreading his arms wide. "Well, what's left of it anyway. Isn't that right, Katie?"

Chakotay squatted down next to Kathryn thankful she didn't appear physically harmed. He reached out for her face, but she didn't seem to notice him as she mumbled through her tears. "I'm so sorry. I got you all killed. It's my fault. Just like Daddy. Just like Justin."

"That's right, Katie. You kill everyone you love," Justin commented.

Chakotay stood up and grabbed the front of the man's uniform, "Stop it."

"Or what?" The alien smiled and uncoiled Chakotay's hands from his chest. "There's nothing you can do to me."

"Who are you? What do you want?" Chakotay asked dropping his hands to his sides.

The alien posing as Justin laughed easily, "I'm whoever I need to be. As for what I want; we want her."

"Why her? Why not me?"

"Oh, we were going to take you because you were convenient, but when I saw a chance at attaining the unreachable I had to go for it." He crossed his arms across his chest and looked down at the woman seated on the floor. "Kathryn Janeway, one of only a handful of people who have ever resisted the call to join our matrix. Truly a chance at reaching a pinnacle amongst my people."

"Your matrix?" Chakotay asked trying to maneuver himself between the alien and Kathryn. "She told us about you, and how you tried to convince her she was dead. I believe she told you to go to hell."

The alien lost his smile, "Yes, she resisted."

Chakotay chuckled trying to get a rise out of the alien, "Apparently, with your species; resistance is not futile."

"Be careful, Commander. We've changed." The alien stood up from the chair. He nudged Janeway's leg with his boot eliciting a painful gasp from her. He smiled when Chakotay blanched and he gained back some of his swagger. "Adapted really, and it's all because of this woman. We used to be passive and watch for people. Wait for them to be almost at death's door and then convince them to come into our matrix. After her resistance, we decided to look for more aggressive ways to intercept souls."

"That's how you found me," Chakotay said trying to regain his footing. He knew the alien had seen his reaction when it had hurt Kathryn. "I was on a vision quest when all of this started."

"Yes, it was easy to access your spirit and you were perfect for our sustenance." The alien circled behind him and whispered something to Kathryn that made her cringe. He turned back to Chakotay, "We might never have encountered you with our past methods. Now, however, we can lure in healthy souls, and we have found that they nurture us for much longer. Plus, we've learned to enjoy the recruitment process."

"Is that what you call this? Recruitment?" Chakotay asked, then understanding dawned. "You still can't force anyone to join you, can you? They have to go with you willingly."

"Everyone comes with us willingly. You would have." The alien gave Chakotay a knowing smile. "You tell someone something long enough and they'll begin to believe it. Katie and I have been at this for hours. Soon, she'll be begging to come with me."

"I'm never going to let that happen." Chakotay moved away from Justin. "Kathryn, can you hear me?"

She gave no response.

"Kathryn, I'm here."

"Here's your chance, Katie. Time's running out." Justin stood behind her. "Chakotay's dead and gone, but at least you can tell him why you got him killed."

"Ignore him, Kathryn. I'm not dead. I'm here to bring you home." His heart broke at the lost look in her eyes as she cradled his head in her hands.

"I'm going to take him away soon, Katie, and you'll be here all alone." Justin smiled up at Chakotay. "All by yourself with nothing but your thoughts to keep you company."

"Noo!" Kathryn looked up at the alien. "Please, don't take him. He's all I have left. I loved him."

"You should've told him that before you killed him, Katie. Look at your hands, and you'll see his blood there." He took her hands and turned them palm up. She gasped at the dark red smears on her hands.

"Oh, God." She looked down at the body again and choked out a sob. "Chakotay, I'm so sorry."

"Not only Chakotay," Justin purred into her ear. "Look around you, Katie. You promised you'd get them home, but all you managed to do was get them all killed."

"Kathryn, don't listen to him. None of this is real." Chakotay grabbed her by the shoulders but she didn't react to his touch. "Listen to me. Listen to my voice. Everyone is still alive."

"It's all my fault," she whispered.

"That's right, Katie," Justin said. "One hundred and fifty people dead because of you. That's a lot of children having to grow up without their fathers. You remember how much fun that was don't you, Katie?"

"I never meant for this to happen," Janeway said quietly. "Nothing like this."

The alien nudged Chakotay's side, "Let's see how she handles this."

The bridge disappeared and the three of them were in a prison cell. Kathryn jumped up, "No! Not here! Please not this again!"

Chakotay could hear a man screaming and instinctively knew they were in the Cardassian prison where Kathryn had been held captive as an ensign. He watched as she steadied herself against the wall keeping a hand held to her head. He couldn't see any injury and tried again to reach her, "Kathryn. Listen to me. It's Chakotay. None of this is real."

"Oh, it's real enough," the alien laughed at Chakotay as Janeway paced the small cell. Justin caught her around the waist pinning her arms to her sides, "That's Owen screaming isn't it, Katie?"

She nodded her head.

"He's screaming because he's being tortured. Who's fault is it that he's being tortured?"

"Mine," Janeway said in a small voice.

"No!" Chakotay yelled.

"You were the one piloting the shuttle weren't you? I guess you weren't doing a good enough job. You failed and now he's paying the price." Justin let her go. "Everyone pays the price when you fail, Katie. And you always fail them."

She pushed herself into the corner her back against the wall.

"Listen to him, Katie. Do you hear how much pain he's in?" Justin stood in front of her and spoke quietly. "That should be you in there."

"Stop it!" Chakotay shouted and lunged at the alien who easily sidestepped him.

"I told you, Chakotay. There's nothing you can do to me here. This is my realm." He laughed and turned back to Janeway. "Would you take Owen's place, Katie?"

"Yes."

Justin snorted at her answer. "You're so weak you'd never make it. You'd probably die."

"Then I'll die!" She answered emphatically.

"Kathryn. No!" Chakotay said again trying to make his presence known.

The prison faded away to reveal the bridge of Voyager again. The bodies of Chakotay, Tom, and B'Elanna were lying in plain view. The alien taunted Janeway as she leaned against the bridge rail for support, "And what about them, Katie? You failed them as well. What will you do for them?"

"I'd die for them."

"Kathryn, we're alive. All of us," Chakotay yelled. "Don't listen to him."

Janeway turned her head at the sound of his voice and looked around the bridge, her gaze sweeping past Chakotay's location.

"Kathryn, can you hear me?" Chakotay asked. A confused look crossed her face, but she still didn't look at him.

Justin glanced at Chakotay before turning his attention back to Janeway, "They all died because they loved you, Katie. Come with me, and it will be as if you never lived. If you were never born, they'd all be alive."

She returned her attention to Justin, "What do I have to do? I just want them to live."

"Kathryn, you don't have to do anything. We are alive."

Janeway whipped her head around at the sound of Chakotay's voice staring all around her.

Justin pressed on, "All you have to do is come with me."

"Okay," Janeway shook her head and then nodded at Justin. "I'll do anything for them."

"Kathryn, I know you can hear me. Just hold on and fight a little longer." Chakotay spoke.

Janeway looked in his direction, "Chakotay?"

"Yes, I'm right here."

"Chakotay's dead, Katie." Justin grabbed her arm and steered her past the real Chakotay. He pulled her down to the Chakotay lying on the deck, "Remember, you sat here and watched him die."

"I'm not dead, Kathryn."

"If he's dead, why can I still hear his voice?" She asked Justin.

"I'm dead and you can hear me," Justin spoke quickly. He glared at Chakotay and changed tactics. "I can take you to him."

"What?"

"Did you notice, Katie?" Justin put his hand on her leg. "I took away your pain and healed your leg. I can do more than that. I can make them all live again."

She glanced down and brushed her hand against the leg that had been broken moments before. She frowned.

"He's lying, Kathryn. Your leg is fine because it was never broken. He's just using your pain against you," Chakotay spoke forcefully. "You're starting to question him."   
Janeway's head snapped up and she looked straight at where Chakotay was standing, "Chakotay?"

"Yes, I'm right here." Chakotay pressed his advantage. "Kathryn, listen to me. None of this is real; it's all in your head."

"Do you want to see Chakotay again, Katie? Come with me and you'll have the chance to tell him all those things you meant to say. All those things you regret having never told him before." Justin began to lead her away from Chakotay.

"Don't go with him, Kathryn. Feel it in your gut. This isn't right." Chakotay moved with them. "Stay with me, Kathryn. Listen to the sound of my voice and know that I want you to stay here."

Janeway stopped in her tracks causing Justin to stumble. "He's telling me to stay here."

Chakotay took the opportunity, "Fight him, Kathryn! Stay with me. Listen to me. He's trying to deceive you. He wants you for his matrix."

"Quiet!" The alien snapped at Chakotay.

"You can hear him," Janeway said surprised. She twisted her arm free of his grasp. "What the hell is going on?"

"You're delusional, Katie. You want him to be alive, so you are trying to convince yourself that you can still hear him." Justin tried to explain. "I can hear him because I can take you to him."

Kathryn looked at him warily, "A minute ago you said he'd live if I went with you."

"I'm here, Kathryn." Chakotay spoke and knew something had changed. Janeway turned and looked right at him. He watched as joy flashed across her face followed by confusion. "Can you see me, Kathryn?"

"Yes." She hesitantly reached out and touched him. "Are you really here?"

"I'm here, Kathryn. I've always been here." He looked over at the alien. "He's not Justin, no more than the other one of his kind was your father."

"My father?" She sucked in a breath. "You mean? The matrix? None of this is real?"

Chakotay nodded. He was thankful she could finally see him. He didn't see Tuvok anywhere, and he hoped that meant he hadn't become a permanent resident in Kathryn's mind.

"That's right," Justin sneered. His features were so contorted with rage he barely passed for human. "All this was just me playing with you, and you were so ready. I could've handed you a phaser, and you would have blown your own head off."

"That's enough," Chakotay said. "Leave. Now. You aren't getting any souls today."

"Maybe not today, but the time will come again. For each of you." He smiled as an orange glowing vortex opened behind him. "All of my kind will be hunting for you. There will come a time, and we will take you."

"You'll try," Janeway spoke sounding like the Captain for the first time since Chakotay had entered this nightmare. He smiled.

The alien masquerading as Justin Tighe glared at them for a moment longer, "Until we meet again."

He turned and walked into the vortex.


	3. Chapter 3

Disclaimer see ch. 1

Chakotay opened his eyes to the gleaming lights of sickbay. He and Tuvok both staggered, but he made a grab for the edge of the biobed to remain standing. Chakotay looked down and saw the most wonderful sight. Kathryn's eyes fluttered open and looked into his briefly before closing again. The Doctor was already scanning her with the tricorder.

"What happened in there, Commander? We almost lost both of you. The alien began getting stronger. I administered a counter agent to the sedative in her system hoping to bring you both back out. It didn't appear to have any effect, but now here you are."

"He almost had her," Chakotay said before dropping to the floor exhausted, "I think you saved us, Doctor."

The Doctor closed the tricorder and smiled at the two commanders, "She's asleep with no sign of the alien presence."

Chakotay smiled and waved off Tom's offer of help, choosing to remain on the floor. "It's okay, Tom. I'm perfectly happy to stay right here for the rest of the trip home."

The Doctor scanned Tuvok and nodded before moving onto the first officer. "Mr. Paris, please escort Commander Tuvok to his quarters. I'm sure he'd like to meditate for the next forty eight hours."

Tuvok still had not spoken but after a glance at the Captain's bed he nodded and began to walk towards the doors of sickbay. His first few steps were unsteady, but they had strengthened by the time he reached the door.

Chakotay looked at the Doctor from his vantage point on the floor, "Doctor, you know Tuvok would die before he'd let Tom catch him passing out from fatigue again."

The Doctor stuck out a hand and pulled Chakotay to his feet, "Of course I know that. Just like I knew he'd come here proposing a mind meld."

Chakotay laid down on the biobed next to Kathryn's. "It wasn't a mind meld. It was a bridging of minds."

"Of course it was," the Doctor harrumphed. "A Vulcan would never propose a mind meld as a form of medical treatment. The Captain doesn't drink too much coffee. Mr. Paris is not running betting pools from his quarters. Lt Torres doesn't break the bones of her engineering staff on a regular basis. And you aren't in love with the Captain."

"What did you say?" Chakotay asked rising up on his elbows.

"Oh, please Commander, no one on this ship ever does anything by the book." He administered a sedative to Chakotay's neck. "However, this is my sickbay and if I'm not able to practice medicine the way I'd prefer to then I will at least continue to perpetuate the ongoing myths surrounding the crew of this ship."

"Doctor," Chakotay tried to interrupt but the sedative was taking effect and he gave in closing his eyes.

The Doctor leaned over checking the readings on both of his patients and smiled, "If the truth be known, I wouldn't change a thing. Have a good rest, Captain. Sleep well, Commander. Voyager will be here when you wake just as you left her."

Chakotay rang the chime to her quarters. When she had called him this afternoon to invite him to dinner he had been ecstatic. He hadn't seen her for three days. Well, he hadn't seen her while she was awake in the past three days anyway. The Doctor had finally released her this morning after she promised to take it easy. She hadn't lied as far as he could tell. She'd gone straight to her quarters and gone back to sleep according to the computer. The Doctor was taking the stance that she needed the rest, but Chakotay was becoming concerned that it was more than that.

She called for him to enter and he crossed to her and presented the roses he had picked up in the airponics bay.

"Oh, Chakotay, they're beautiful." She took them and put them in a vase that had been sitting out already. He smiled when he realized she had been expecting flowers. He was glad he hadn't disappointed her.

"How are you?" He asked watching her cross towards the replicator. She was wearing a simple dark green pants outfit. He hoped she had been lounging around in it and resting.

She turned towards him and opened her mouth to answer his question, but closed it without saying anything. She smiled faintly before speaking, "How about we leave that question for after dinner?"

Chakotay smiled. He had been worried that she would pretend nothing was wrong. He nodded and instead asked, "So, what's for dinner?"

She silently thanked him for not pressing, and turned back to the replicator, "Something simple, I think. How about soup and sandwiches?"

"Sounds good." He pulled out her chair when she brought the plates of food over.

They made small talk over dinner with Kathryn catching up on ship's business and the general crew gossip. They moved to the couch after dinner, and Chakotay noticed her holding her coffee as though it was a shield against bad conversation. He decided to ease her around to what they needed to discuss.

"The Doctor made some very interesting statements the other day once you were stabilized."

"Oh, what did he say?" She looked so relieved at his conversation topic, he almost laughed.

"Well, you remember when we first started out, and B'Elanna broke Joe Carey's nose?"

"How could I forget?" She laughed lightly.

"It seems that his was not the last bone broken in engineering." Chakotay waited and when he received the raised eyebrow from her, he continued. "Apparently, someone gets a broken bone down there about every three to four months."

"What?!" She put the coffee cup down. "Why haven't we heard about this?"

Chakotay chuckled, "I've done some digging since the Doctor originally spilled the beans, and it seems that the entire department is in on it. Whenever the stress is building, and B'Elanna hasn't released the pressure, her staff begins to provoke her."

"Are they insane? They intentionally provoke a Klingon?" Kathryn asked mildly concerned about the mindset of her crew.

"Yes, they commit small errors until B'Elanna loses it and lashes out. Usually someone ends up with a broken nose or arm or something."

"Why on Earth would they do that?"

"Here's the kicker, B'Elanna doesn't know it's intentional. She's immediately very contrite and apologetic. While the person on the receiving end is being tended to in sickbay, B'Elanna transfers all of her holodeck rations to that person's account as a way of apologizing. The entire staff understands that there are to be no reports filed, and now that B'Elanna has released the pressure, all is well for another few months."

"They're insane."

"Yes, there is that, but when I asked Vorik about it he commented that it was only logical."

"Of course he did."

"He explained that a single member of engineering taking it for the good of the entire engineering department and the ship made it a perfectly logical course of action." Chakotay shrugged. "I made it very clear that anyone could come to me at anytime, but they all seemed happy with the unofficial deal."

"Still, you should really speak to B'Elanna about it."

"I can't. If she knows what's going on, it'll throw the whole system off. They swore me to secrecy. I also made them swear to let me know if it ever gets out of hand."

Kathryn just shook her head, "And the Doctor told you all of that was going on?"

"Well, he was upset about having to use a mind meld again so he was venting," Chakotay hedged. "He mentioned several well known facts that everyone pretends to deny for the good of the ship. He just didn't realize that I really didn't know about the Engineering deal."

"What were some of these other 'facts'?" She asked bringing her empty mug over to the replicator and requesting another cup of coffee.

He couldn't help but laugh, "The first one was that the Captain drinks too much coffee."

She chuckled and took a sip saluting him with her mug.

"Tom has betting pools running on just about everything on board this ship."

"Speaking of which, I do believe he owes me a few rations."

"Lastly," He tugged on his ear before continuing, "The first officer is in love with the Captain."

"I see." She took a fortifying sip of her coffee. "And these are all well known facts?"

"So I'm told." He watched her carefully.

She nodded and put her mug down on the table, "Do you, uh, find these facts to be true?"

"Every single one of them."

She felt the warmth of his eyes wrap around her like a blanket. She cleared her throat, "I guess it's less well known that the Captain is in love with her first officer."

He smiled, "I think that one is more of a rumor as far as most people on this ship are concerned."

"Most people?"

"Some of us know the truth." He took her hand and kissed it. "I also know that it will stay a rumor if that's what you want."

"I don't…" her voice broke and she shook her head at him, "I don't want it to stay a rumor. I love you, Chakotay. I thought I lost you and I had never told you."

"You could never lose me, Kathryn."

She didn't seem to hear him as she was lost in thought, "The things that alien said…"

Chakotay took her gently by the chin and made her look up at him, "It's over, Kathryn. He's gone and as for what he said, he was lying."

Her eyes were bright as tears threatened to spill over, "That's just it. There was so much truth in what he said. I'm the reason we're stuck in the Delta Quadrant, and he was right when he said Justin would've never been on that shuttle if it hadn't been for me."

"Kathryn, don't do this to yourself. That shuttle accident was not your fault." He held her hands in his trying to connect with her.

"I know." She nodded, "I know. Logically, I know there is nothing I could've done, but that's the kind of thing you tell yourself so you can keep on living. The things he said, all of the things he said, those are the things you acknowledge at your darkest moments to be true."

Her voice broke and she closed her eyes before she was able to continue, "And to have someone else confirm the worst things you think about yourself..."

Chakotay cut her off by asking his own question, "Kathryn, do you think I'm responsible for the Cardassian attack on my homeworld?"

She rubbed the heel of her hand against her eyes, "What? No."

"What about the possibility that if I had stayed there and not joined Starfleet? Do you think I would've been able to save my family?"

"Chakotay, if you had been there you would've been killed too," She said emphatically. Then she nodded and smiled slightly, "I know what you're doing."

"I thought you might." He gave her a small smile.

"Are those things he made you see?"

"Those," he nodded. "And others."

"When I saw you in sickbay, you were rather distressed about something that had happened to me," she commented quietly.

He nodded again, the vision of her brutalized body lying in his quarters was an image that was seared into his mind. "Yes, he showed me a past I can't change. He then showed me a future that I pray will never happen."

"What did you see, Chakotay?"

"The worst possible thing that could ever happen." He looked into her blue eyes with tears streaming down his face. "You were dead, and I wasn't."

"I saw that too." She rubbed her thumb over the wetness on his cheek. "But the worst part of mine was all the things I had left unsaid."

He caught her hand and kissed her palm.

She kept her palm on the side of his face, "I don't want to leave this life without telling you how much you mean to me, how much I love you. Chakotay, I would die for you."

"I know you would, Kathryn, but that's not what I need from you." He touched his forehead to hers. "I need you to live for me. I need you to live with me. I need us to live so that we never have any regrets."

"I can do that too." She gave him a watery smile. "Can we get started?"

"Yes," Chakotay stood and scooped her off the couch and into his arms. "And do you know what we're going to do first?"

She smiled mischievously up at him as he carried her towards the bedroom, "We are definitely headed in the right direction."

"We," he set her gently on the bed, "Are going to make sure you get some rest."

She frowned at him, "That's not exactly what I had in mind, Chakotay."

He laughed softly pulling the covers back, "I'm sure it isn't, but we've got all the time in the world now. I intend to make sure you're there for it."

"But, Chakotay…"

He put his finger on her mouth silencing her. "Kathryn, you're exhausted. Don't think I didn't see that yawn you tried to hide earlier. I love you so very much, but all we are going to do tonight is sleep."

She let him guide her down to the pillows, and he kissed her forehead watching her eyes drift close. He straightened and stepped away from the bed. Her hand shot out to grab hold of his, and he glanced down to see the worry in her blue gaze. He squeezed her hand, "I'm just going over here to take my boots off."

"I just didn't want you to leave," she said and rolled onto her side to watch his progress. She couldn't believe she finally had the freedom to watch him take his clothes off and she could barely keep her eyes open. "You know, Chakotay, if I wasn't so tired I might have to report you to the Captain."

He chuckled and crawled onto the bed wrapping his arms around her, "And what exactly would you be reporting me for?"

"Last time I checked, black silk boxers were definitely not regulation," she smiled as his laugh reverberated through her entire being. She melted into his embrace with her back against his chest. She closed her eyes reveling in how it felt to be held. Tonight had been so wonderful, but in light of recent experiences she had a very healthy fear that it wasn't real. Any minute now she would turn over and he would be dead.

"Kathryn." His voice rumbled quietly over her.

"Hmmmm?" She involuntarily tensed.

Chakotay gently rolled her over so she was facing him. She kept her chin down and her eyes closed. He brushed the hair on her forehead back and lifted her chin. "Open your eyes, Kathryn."

He could feel her take a breath and then he was gazing into the pools of blue that he had loved for so long. Hesitantly her hand reached out and gently traced his tattoo. She took in a shuddering breath. He gave her a slow smile as he watched the fear in her eyes recede.

"I was afraid," she said quietly staring into the warmth of his eyes. "I didn't want this to end."

"You and I will never again be just a memory, Kathryn. I'll be here when you wake up tomorrow and every day after that." He finally felt her relax completely and her hand came to a rest on his chest. He continued to watch her as her eyes fell closed and her breathing evened out.

Chakotay watched the stars streaking past the viewport and tried to remember how he had ever lived without her. He kissed the top of her head and closed his eyes. This time when he slept his dreams would not be filled with nightmarish images, but instead with the promises of their future together. He resisted the urge to laugh as Kathryn mumbled in her sleep. It sounded vaguely like an order. He was looking forward to waking in the morning to find Kathryn in his arms. Tonight was just the beginning of a life together that would definitely be worth living.


End file.
